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Essential Soccer Moves To Master

July 2, 2014

I am not a soccer player. I never played soccer growing up. I have played soccer minimally in my life.

But, having watched a few games of soccer (better known as “football” around the world) on TV during the World Cup, I have studied enough of the finer points of the game to feel that I can teach you, as a novice soccer player, to be an advanced world-class soccer player simply by teaching you to master the following essential soccer moves.

 

 “The 5 F’s of Football”

 

1. The Flare

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How: Throw your arms up skyward on either side of your head and open your mouth agape.

When: When you first learn of a call going against you.

This move sends up a flare of outrage telling everyone non-verbally, “What?!?!? I can’t believe that call!”  It will get the referee’s attention and let the world know that you disagree.

 

2. The Frame

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How: Outstretch both of your arms to one side of your body or the other in the direction that a collision (or near collision) just occurred, squint your eyes and open your mouth agape.

When: When there is a question about a call possibly going against you, and you want the referee to rethink about what he just saw and possibly reverse the call and make it your favor, frame it for the referee the way you see it with this move.

This move screams, “What about that guy and what he did?!?  Didn’t you see that?!?”.

 

3.  The FlabbergastEd ©* (a.k.a. The F&%$ed)

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How: Outstretch your arms to either side of your body, stick out your chest and open your mouth agape.

When: When it’s clear that the prior efforts to avoid a call against you have failed, the only move left to you before accepting the call and continuing the game is to react in utter astonishment.

This will send a signal to the referee and all others who see it that you’re just not going to roll over and take it without sending a strong message that you don’t like accepting it. This move non-verbally screams, “I can’t believe the call you just made against me!  I disagree.”

* All copyrights to the FlabbergastEd soccer move name reserved.  2014 © Ed Novick

 

4.  The Flop

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How: Following a collision with another player (or even a near collision if you can master this move), lunge forward, throw up your arms, stick out your torso, throw back your head, open your mouth wide, roll back your eyes in your head and make a loud pained yell with your voice.  Then fall to the ground helplessly.

When: When things are going against your team and you need a reverse of momentum of the game in your favor, or a penalty kick, the Flop can get it for you.

This is a tough one to master and will require a lot of work to bring all the above elements together so  you can sell it properly.  Missing a single element could work against you and possibly make you look ridiculous.

Important Note: Use this one rarely – no more than a few times a game – or you’ll risk that the referees will catch on, having it work against your team, and you’ll lose face with the fans and probably your girlfriend.

 

5.  The Fake

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How: Fall to the ground, pull one knee to your chest, wrap your hands around your knee, and grimace. Scream or moan loudly.

When: Immediately following The Flop.  When you’re hoping to get a call in your favor, sympathy from the crowd, or sympathy from your girlfriend after the game, this move can do it for you.

Everyone will hear your non-verbal message loud and clear, “OWWWWWWW!  That hurts…a lot!  I need immediate medical attention ……. at least I will right after my penalty kick”.

 

Taking your soccer game to the next level is not easy.

But practicing and working these “5 F’s of Football” soccer essentials into your repertoire of other on-field soccer moves will get you to the next level…and may even get you to the World Cup.

Good luck with that!

 


 

 Disclaimer: Ed Novick is not a soccer player, never played soccer growing up, and has played soccer minimally in his life.  He cannot guarantee your results using any of these moves.   Consult your doctor before trying any of these moves. Ed is not a doctor, but he does like to play one.  

 

 

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2 Comments leave one →
  1. July 12, 2014 9:06 am

    This video is similar in content and very funny, but stole and uses all my moves!

    http://offbeat.topix.com/story/12973

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